I am…

This morning, while getting myself ready for the day, I realized something. Finding my talents and tools to be able to live colorfully to create beauty doesn’t start with focussing on all the little things surrounding me. Instead, it starts with me. Looking back on my post about this blog, I realized I had mentioned that. But I have not done anything with it yet. So today I want to start with me. I am going to make myself vulnerable and look at myself. Who am I, deep down inside? Who am I on the inside, when all the masks and expectactions are removed?  What is in my heart?

Hiding behind fears, is a strong, opinionated woman.
Buried under insecurities, is a passionate and creative heart.

There is more to me than I let out.
I am stronger than I know. I am braver than I think. I am more unique than I let myself believe. There is more than meets the eye, my eye. I have let a cloud cover my own colors, hindering me to create beauty.

Why is it, that I let my doubts, my fears and even the expectations of others blinden me? It turns me into someone I am not. The cloud covers the sunlight, which disables me to live a passionate and colorful life.

I believe that fear is the damaging factor. It controls my thoughts and my actions because I let it. It has become such a big part of me that even letting go of my fears frightens me. Fear has made me create a ‘comfortable and safe’ place for myself. But strangely enough, I’m not comfortable and I certainly don’t always feel safe. The constant fear of how others will respond, what people may think and what the ‘right’ thing to do is, in reality makes me uncomfortable. Yet, fear has such a huge power that even though I know I need to just look it in the eye and overcome it, I can’t. Every day I tell myself that I won’t let my actions be influenced by my fears. Yet daily I feel like I fail at that.

Comfortable, something we all want to be. Getting out of that comfort zone is scary and frightning. Experience, however, shows me that the adrenaline rush that overcoming fear gives, is great. It gives color to my personality and my life. When I step out of my comfort zone, so that I can find more pieces of me, I become beautiful. Why? Because that’s when I start accepting myself and loving myself. Because accepting and loving myself means allowing myself to grow, to make mistakes, to get back up when I fall and to look to others when I can’t do it alone.

So who am I, deep down inside? Who am I on the inside, when all the masks and expectactions are removed?  What is in my heart?
I am a strong(willed), opiniated, sensitive, passionate and creative woman who has let fear have too much influence in her life. I am insecure and scared, yet I am trying. I am a woman who knows herself and loves to learn. I am a strong believer that we can all be more than we think and that we can go farther in life than we think (even though I don’t easily apply that myself…).
And in my heart is the belief that I am the daughter of a great God, Who is not finished with me yet. I am being molded and formed into His perfect Image.

I am loved.

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3 thoughts on “I am…

  1. Mommy says:

    Amen, I know you can fight your fear: because with God all things are possible.
    You can become the woman God wants you to be, because He begon a work in you , and He will finishes that work.

    Love you a trillion poptarts, mommy.

  2. Daddy says:

    Make sure that waht you find inside is the Lords and not the flesh. Fear for the Lord will make you live different, but fear for men and self is a killer. Good writing!

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