I am guilty of wanting to control things. A lot of things. Practically everything that is in my power to control. This has been a character trait of mine as long as I can remember. I was quite the bossy little girl. I have mentioned it before, letting go is hard for me.
Today I was able to visit with a dear friend of mine. She reminded me of the fact that when we try to control everything in our lives, we sometimes miss out on the blessings that Someone has in store for us. We get so focussed on the way we want things to go and get scared that we will lose control, that we (can) start shutting out the good things as well.She pointed out the importance of trust to me. Trust is what is required when we want to let go of something. Trust that it will turn out alright, no matter what. Trust that someone else is taking care of it.
So when my babies were both sleeping, I took some time to think about this. I came across the following words:
“A new heart will I give you and a new spirit will I put within you…and I will put my Spirit within you and cause you to walk in my statutes”.
WOW. I have been given a new heart and a new spirit. One that can let go, when my flesh can’t. One that can trust, when my flesh is too scared to.
I am going through a changing process right now. One where I am finding out who I am and dealing with insecurities, fears and exhaustion. When going through that kind of process, it gets harder and harder to be in control because you reach a point that feels like an explosion. The point which I am nearing right now. There is so much buried away in my heart, things I thought I could handle, and it is all boiling up now. And I am suddenly clueless. Daily I find myself wondering how to keep fighting this battle and if I will ever get through it and become “new”. I start realizing that I really can’t do it all on my own. I need to learn to let go.
So that is what I am doing now. I am starting real small. For me, that means admitting that at times I am too tired to make my husband’s lunch for me, something that’s hard for me to admit. I’m learning to let other people help out when I am too tired to deal with it all. I’m learning to let people get to know the real me. Slowly I am learning what it means to let go and trust.
And that is why I found those words so encouraging. I have a new heart and a new spirit. All I need to choose is, which one am I letting have control? My old, control-obsessed heart or my new heart and spirit, which is filled with love, peace, patience, joy, self-control and gentleness?